


The Downward Spiral

by CoffeesForKilljoys



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Songfic, this is sad and i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2015-12-27
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:56:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5548184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeesForKilljoys/pseuds/CoffeesForKilljoys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I will let you down, I will make you hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Downward Spiral

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still getting used to how tagging works on this site. So I'm putting a bit of a warning in here before the fic. There are references to self harm in this, if that's something you don't enjoy reading and want to skip, I understand 100%. I figured I'd have another chapter of Chemicals Between Us up by now but perhaps soon. 
> 
> This was written with Nine Inch Nails 'Hurt' in mind, so any lyrics that are quoted are credited to Trent and NIN.

“I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.”

I was headed out. I did what you said. I finally stopped wasting my time writing. I was going to finally grow up like you told me to. I was just grabbing my coat and there it was. That stupid grey scarf I bought you when we went on our third date. I wanted to leave it. But you. Having that piece of you. Those memories. How my heart swelled when your hand brushed mine. I just couldn’t breathe. It felt like that day. That day that should never have happened. The day that I would give anything to change.

Another memory I’ll remember forever.

So I did it. I found the box you thought you could hide from me. The box full of things you promised I wouldn’t need anymore. And I found it. Held it in my shaking hands. A dull glimmer of the blade in the light. The only constant in my life. 

The one release from all of this.

I remember the night you found out. How you cried when you saw the marks. How you promised you’d protect me. That you’d save me from myself. And you did. But now, it’s just me. And I can’t stop myself. For the first time, with you gone, when I used that blade, I felt something. Something familiar. Something comforting. A sting that no matter what happened I will never forget. You should've seen it love. The way it marred. Marked my skin. it was beautiful.

You would've hated it.

The rich crimson flowing out. Staining that ridiculous white couch you chose. It was so perfect. I just couldn't stop. I felt so free. Life felt in color again. Like for the first time. I had done something meaningful. Something that would mark this day. A memory. My first without you. Yet still caused by you. But when wasn't every memory I had without your influence. I wish you could've seen it. 

I know you would've been disappointed. 

But when didn't I disappoint you. When didn't I fuck up? You never told me why you left. Even when I was screaming. Crying. Begging you to stay. I remember everything that night. And you. You just packed your bag. Dropped your key on the floor and walked out. It’s been a little over two months. Two months since you decided you had enough. Two fucking months for you to vanish out of my life. 

The person I thought I would have until the end.

I don’t know if you even think of me. Think of how I feel. But I think of you all the time. The feeling of your hands, those strong digits stained in the vibrant colors of your paints. How good they felt when you’d tug my hand, cup my chin and kiss me just because. Or those beautiful eyes, oh god those eyes. How one gentle stare from those deep amber irises would bring me back, comfort me, surround me with warmth. The feeling of your arms wrapped around me. The solitude your presence made me feel. You made me feel like I mattered. Like if something happened, for once, someone would remember me.

That someone cared.

You always promised, since the moment we met, that I’d never be alone again. That there was a spark between us, your words not mine, that was just electric. That couldn’t be broken. It couldn’t be destroyed or forgotten you said. And I resisted. I was scared to. But I felt it. I still do. I don’t think there will be a day of my miserable life that I will forget it. When you said it, I cried. And when I think about it now I just panic. Because you’re not here. The catalyst of my life. The reason why I existed was you. I told you how I couldn’t live without you. How I would always need you. Do you remember that?

Or did you forget?

I can’t stop it. All I can feel is pain. All I want is to feel pain. Pain for having caused you to leave. The only thing that mattered in my life. Since you left, this pain, it’s all that seems real. I just float through my life. But if I could. I’d do it all again. Meeting you. Falling in love with you. Starting a life with you. It was the one time I felt alive. It was the sweetest pain I’ve ever felt. It might not have been real. But I’ll never forget it. And I’ll keep living. Keep hurting hoping that maybe one day you’ll come back. (You probably won’t) But if you do. I’ll still be here. A shell of the person I was with you; even before you. Waiting for you to save me. To mend me, to make me live again. Make me feel complete for once.

Yet here I am, two months, and I’ve never been so alone.

You haunt me you know. This entire place reeks of you, and I can’t get rid of it. When you left I tore down everything, the wallpaper you spent weeks agonizing over; gone. The carpets you declared would be the right blend of cozy and practical; gone. All the paintings you had; fucking gone. And yet I can’t get rid of you. This place is so huge, and your presence was the only thing that could fill it, could make it a home. Me? I was just another fixture, a tiny fragment that only fit in this place when you were here.

And now I’m just nothing.

It’s all my fault you know. I pushed you too hard. I didn’t want to, but I fell so hard for you. I promised I never would. For anyone. But you came along, and it all faded away. I clung to you. You were all I needed. My entire world. But you changed. You grew and you changed. And I’m still right here. What did I do Gerard? What could I have done to make you stay? To have made you keep your promise? Was I not enough? Did I not tell you what you meant to me enough? Why did it take you so long to say I love you?

Why aren’t you here anymore?

So here I am. That stupid scarf wrapped tightly around me. The only thing that can still connect me to you. To the Gerard who I knew. Who would be right here with me like he always promised. Did I change? Or maybe you finally realized what I was. I don’t know what I expected. Everyone goes away. Everyone leaves me. And I hoped you wouldn’t. But I should have known. I gave you everything. My heart. My hopes. My dreams. My future. But it wasn’t enough. I was never enough. And you could see that. I’d never be what you wanted. I’d never become the man you needed. And you were disappointed.

I let you down.

You told me. That all you’d ever need was me by your side. That with me, you felt unstoppable, like we finally had made a place in the world. I guess I just wasn’t enough. But I was what you wanted. What I thought you wanted. My sweetest friend, I thought that’s all you wanted me to be. I tried to make myself better. To be worthy of you. But I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be better for you or for anyone. But you were never the person I thought you were. Were you? You promised everything to me. Most of all you promised I’ve be loved. That I’d never feel this way.

But you, you made me hurt.

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this with it strictly being a oneshot... but let me know in the comments if I should keep going?  
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated! xx


End file.
